The Wit mark^^G^ Publications 

•mp^MOCK TRIAL 



n * WITMARK * ^ /S O KT/S 

NEW YORK CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON. 


THE; CREST TRADING CO.. N. Y. 

























MOCK TRIAL 

OF 

The great Kidnapping and breach of promise case 
OR, 

BALM FOR. A WOUNDED HEART 


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F'RAJVK. WMOJVT 




PUBLISHED BY 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

NEW YORK <2* CHICAGO £ LONDON 


Copyright 190') by M. Witmark & Sons 
E nglish Copyright Secured. 



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PROPERTIES. 


High desk for the Judge, with high stool behind it. 
Plenty of documents, books and waiting materials. A 
table in front of Judge’s stand for the lawyers, with two 
chairs; writing materials, books, documents, etc., upon 
this table. Twelve chairs ranged in double or single circle 
for the jury. A witness Box R, Prisoner’s box L. These 
are made of light wood material and painted brown. Um¬ 
brella for lady Doctor. Crutches for the defendant. Small 
satchel with flask, powder puff, etc., for plaintiff. A ped- 
ler’s outfit of collar buttons, neckties, for Hockheimer* 
Each character of the jury should be supplied w r ith the ar¬ 
ticles his trade or profession calls for to enhance each indi¬ 
vidual entrance. Semi-police uniform for Court OFFICER* 
Razor for the Coeored Juror. 


DIAGRAM OF STAGE,. 


D.R.C. C.O. 


&.L.C 




LIBRARY Of CONGRESS 
two Copies Received 



AUDIENCE., 

L. I. E.—Left first entrance. 
R. i. E.—Right first entrance. 
L. U. E.—Left upper entrance, 
C.—Centre of stage. 

R. C.—Right centre of stage. 
L. C.—-Left centre of stage. 

C. D.—Centre door. 

D. R. C.—Door right centre, 
D. L. C.—Door left centre. 











COSTUMES 


Judge —Frock coat, white vest, striped trousers, made up 
rather fat and with bald wig and eye glasses, red ’ker¬ 
chief. 

Officer of Court —Semi-police make-up. 

Lawyers —Extravagant Costumes ala “Marks the Lawyer.** 
One ought to be tall, the other short and stout. 

Abijah Pippins —White pants, checked vest, bald and gray, 
spectacles, very aged, decrepit, toothless, wrinkled and 
consumptive looking. Old fashioned blue coat. 

Leonora— Very flashy costume, made extravagant* big red 
hat, plenty of flowers and roses. Have the colors to 
suit the player. 

Amelia —Natty costume, stylish in colors and shape. 

Levi Hockheimer— Comic Hebrew peddler’s make up. 
Garments large and loose, hat too big for his head. 
Funny whiskers, large shoes. 

One Lung Gong—C hinaman’s costume such as seen in 
laundries and upon the streets. 

Mrs. Doctor Pullem—T his is a combination costume of 
a rainy day skirt, man’s coat and vest, eye glasses, 
short hair wig, Fedora hat, umbrella, small satchel 
attached to her belt. 

Vanderbilt Persimmons —A dandy colored barber ex¬ 
travagant costume, razor in hip pocket, clothes of a 
loud pattern and flashy. 

Jamison Jams —Seedy black costume, pale features, bat¬ 
tered hat. 

Wurstmacher —Fat German butcher, white apron, shirt 
sleeves, vest, striped pants, yellow wig, florid face and 
red nose. 

John Measles —Ordinary suit, torn, face covered here and 
there with court plaster, bruises and has a black eye. 

Hooligan— Make up similar to Hooligan the tramp as pic« 
tured in Sunday papers. 

McGuff, The Actor —Seedy black frock coat, white hat, 
long hair, pale features, heavy eyebrows, red nose, 
striped pants and white gaiters, red vest. Part should 
be performed by a tall man. 

MulliGATawni— Italian make-up, velvet coat, wide pants, 
checkered vest, black wig, heavy eyebrows, signs of 
unshaven face, earrings, red ’kerchief tied about head 

Beeswax— Any funny combination of odd clothing. 

Aunty Simpson —Funny old wench’s make up, funny 
dress, colored waist, ’kerchief around head and old style 
bonnet. Let the player have full license in selecting a 
funny old wench’s costume. 


CAST 


Judge Wisehead, an eminent limb of the law. 

Gilefilein, Officer of the Court, a very im¬ 
portant person. 

Lawyer Fussyboy, for the plaintiff. 

Lawyer Snapcash, for the defendant. 

Abijah Pippins, the defendant. 

Leonora Smithers -Trustey, the plaintiff. 

Ameeia Bedeeia Arrowroot, Leonora’s com¬ 
panion. 

The Jury. 

Levi Hockheimer, a Hebrew merchant. 

One Lung Gong, Chinese laundryman. 

Mrs. Doctor Anaesthestic Pueeem, a strong 
minded female. 

Vanderbilt Persimmons, a colored barber and 
sport. 

Jamison Jams, addicted to fever and chills. 

Goteeib Wurstmacher, a German sausage con¬ 
structor. 

John Measles, an amateur football player. 

Hooligan, sassy, fat and happy—a tramp by occu¬ 
pation. 

Footeight McGuFF, a stranded actor. 

Pedro Mueeigatawni, an Italian exile. 

Sieeicus Beeswax, a stuttering stutterer. 

Old Aunty Simpson, a colored wash-lady. 


MOCK TRIAL 

OF 

The Great Kidnapping and Breach of Promise Case ; 

OR, 

BALM FOR A WOUNDED HEART. 


SCENE. 

A chamber to represent a court-room. The 
Judge’s stand and desk is up stage C. Seats for 
the Jury are placed L. of Judge. Seats for 
newspaper reporters are R. In front of Judge's 
stand is a table with books, documents, etc., for 
the attorneys. There is a witness stand dozvn 
L. and a prisoner's box or stand down R. 

At the opening of scene, Gielfieein, the Offi¬ 
cer of the Court, bozos in the Judge L. i B., caper¬ 
ing before him. 

Officer— This way, yonr honor! You’re always 
late but early to-day. You’re last but first this time. 
You’re a trifle behind but you’re before. 

Judge — That will do! (Goes to desk.) Go 
ahead and cry. 

Officer (shouts )— Oh, yes! Oh, yes! The court 
is open, for his honor is here! 

Enter Fussyboy, a tall, lean lawyer, with books 
and papers, L. i B. Collides with Officer L. C., 
nearly upsetting him. 

Fussyboy — Beg pardon, but I’m in a hurry. {Goes 
L. of table.) 



6 


MOCK TRIAL,. 


Officer—I f you killed me I’d sue you for man¬ 
slaughter. 

( Enter Snapcash, another fussy lawyer, L. i E. 
Collides zvith. Officer, knocking him down C.) 

Snap. —Excuse me, excuse me. I didn’t see you.. 

(Goes to table.) 

Officer ( rising) —What’s the matter with all the 
liars to-day? They must think they’re out in auto¬ 
mobiles, knocking down and running over people 
that way. 

Judge (raps) —Call in the Jury from the jury 
room. 

Officer ( calls from list) — Levi Hockheimer! 

(Enter Levi R. i E. with pedlers outfit of collar 
buttons, shoelaces, etc.) 

Levi —Veil, vat iss? I don't like me such fool¬ 
ishness ! Pusiness is pusiness, and I’m losing money, 
so help me gracious, vile I’m here in court house 
nonsense. Vat I know ’pout it? Nottings at all. 

Officer —Go sit down. You’re one of the Jury. 

Levi —I’m glad dis vas a Yiddisher theatre, eh? 
I got a seat for nottings. Dot’s a fine pusiness, fine 
pusiness. 

Judge— Take a chair. Take a chair. 

Levi —Oh, tank you. (Takes a chair.) I bring 
it to Rebecca. Much obligeness ! (Going.) 

Officer—H ere! Put that chair back. Go sit 
on it. 

Levi —Vat funny peoples. You gif me sometings 
and you take ’em avay. (Levi sits on Jury side of 
room.) 

Judge—C all the next juror! 


MOCK TRIAL/. 


7 


Officer (calls) — One Lung Gong! Gome in 
here! (Enter Chinaman L. i E. with flatiron.) 

One Lung—W alla samee, no savez, no membee, 
no tickee no washee. 

Judge —Do you speak English? (Chinaman 
shakes head in the negative.) Do you speak French? 
(Same bus.) Do you speak German? (Same 
bus.) How old are you? (Same bus.) Have you 
any parents? (Same bus.) Do you speak Italian? 
(Same bus.) Do you speak Hindoo? (Same bus.) 
You will observe that I have addressed him in seven 
different languages and he can’t understand me. Go 
sit down. 

One LuNG^Gottee make shirtee. No foolee, 
here. Me blissy, ver blissy! 

Officer —Go sit down with the Jury over there 
or I’ll rap you over that calf’s tail you have on your 
topknot. Go on! (Goes and sits beside Levi, who 
tries to sell him some of his zvares.) 

Judge —Call the next juror. 

Officer—Mrs. Doctor Anaesthestic Puleem ! 
(Enter strong-minded zvoman, half bloomer, half 
female, man's derby, umbrella, spectacles, etc.) 

Doctor —I want to know why I’m summoned 
here? I want you to know that I’m a champion of 
our cause, and that women have as much right to 
serve on the Jury as men. But that is not the point 
it issue. (Starts in to make a speech.) My fellow 
sufferers, we have all been tortured in silence long 
enough, but, thank Heaven, the day of emancipation 
has arrived for us to go to the polls and vote, to take 
the places of men who have usurped the rights that 


8 


MOCK TRIAL. 


do not belong to them! (Judge raps for order.) 
You shut up yourself, you old toper. I knew you 
before you got to be Judge and your wife took in 
washing to support you! Don’t you dare tell me to 
shut up. I’m a free American citizen, as good as 
any man that ever walked in shoe leather, and don’t 
you forget it. ( Strikes Officer with umbrella.) 

Judge —Make that man—woman—sit down. Take 
your place among the Jury ! 

Doctor —I’ll be the foreman of this Jury, you can 
be sure! They’ll do as I say or I’ll chastise every 
one of them ! ( Sits among the Jury. Levi tries to 

sell her collar buttons , etc.) No, I don’t want to 
buy anything. Give me room to allow my brain to 
think! 

Judge —Call the next juror! 

Officer—Vanderbilt Persimmons! 

'(Vanderbilt, a dandy barber coon , enters L . i 
B., smoking a cigar.) 

Vander. ( entering) — Right here, sah ! 

Judge —No smoking in here. Throw away that 
cigar! (Vander. throws cigar C. Officer goes 
to pick it up, but Vander pulls it back by black 
string or thread.) 

Vander. ( smiling blandly) —I’ll take care of it 
myself. 

Judge —What is your occupation? 

Vander. —Fm a barber by profession, but a gam¬ 
bling man by preference. 

Judge —So you play cards for money? 

Vander —No, sah. I didn’t play cards for money. 
I played cards for chips. 


MOCK TRIAL. 


9 


Judge: —Well, you got money for your chips at the 
end of the game, didn’t you ? 

Vander. —No, sah! I didn’t have any chips at 
the end of the game. 

Judge; —What other occupation do you follow? 

Vander. —Sometimes I’m in the poultry business. 

Judge: —Do you buy poultry? 

Vander.t —No ! I raises poultry! 

Judge: —Where-abouts ? 

Vander. —Anywhere! Just as I happens to hear 
about where there’s a lot waiting to be raised. 

Judge: —You mean you steal chickens? 

Vander. —No, sah! I just kidnaps ’em. I’m in 
the chicken trust, and the farmers are stockholders. 

Judge: —Go sit down among the Jury. 

Vander. —All right, Judge:, but don’t keep me 
here too long. There’s a crap game and some or¬ 
phan chickens that need a good home! (Levi tries 
to sell him some of his wares.) 

Doctor (to Vander.) —Sit over there and close 
your face! (Browbeats him to a seat.) 

Oeeicer —Next curiosity. Come in, Jamison 

Jams! 

(Jamison enters L. i B. He shakes in all limbs 
and liable to have a fit at any moment. He sham¬ 
bles in, shaking, etc. Alarms the jurors, and the 
attorneys move as if to go to Judge for protection.) 

Judge —It’s all right. The man merely has fever 
and chills. He won’t hurt you. 

' Doctor —Well, don’t put him over here. We. 
don’t want any contagious complaints. 


IO 


MOCK TRIAL. 


Judge —Sit among the Jury and keep still if you 
can! 

Jams—Judge, I can’t keep still. They have to tie 
me in bed or I’d shake myself out of it. 

Doctor —If I was your wife I’d keep you in the 
coal cellar. You’d be just the thing to sift ashes. 
(Bus. imitating him. Jams sits among the Jury. 
Levi tries to sell him something. Jams takes hold 
of the pedler’s board and nearly shakes it apart. 
Levi grabs it from him.) 

Levi —I wouldn’t sell him anyting. He couldn’t 
get his money out of his pocket. 

Judge—C all the next juror. 

Oeeicer—Goteieb Wurstmacher! 

(Enter German butcher L. i E. Make him stupid 
looking, and with apron on as if just called from his 
shop.) 

Got. —Shudge, I vish you to explosion yourself. 
{All laugh.) 

Oeeicer—H e wants the Judge to blow himself up. 

Got.—I mean explode it mit me. 

J udge —What do you want to know ? 

Got. —Explanation the explosion why I am here 
by der court house alretty ! 

Judge —You’re to serve on the Jury to decide an 
important case. You’re a juror. 

Got. —I doan tink I makes a juror. I doan 
speak me goot English. I don’t ferstand vat dem 
liars vas talking about. 

Judge —Neither does anybody else. You can’t be 
excused. Take your seat. 


MOCK TRIAL. 


ii 


Got.—I got to make fifty pounds sissinges for 
(local hotel err^sakmn). 

Judge—I can’t help that. Sit down. 

Doctor —Sit down or I’ll knock you down. I’m 
running this Jury. (Aims hlozv at Got. and pushes 
him into a seat.) 

Got. —Don’t be so rambaloostic ! 

Levi (offers wares) —Collar buttons, shoestrings? 

Got. —No, I don’t put any in my sausages; noth¬ 
ings but bulldogs. 

Judge —Call the next man. 

Officer —Next freak ! Come in, John Measles ! 

(Enter Measles, arm in sling , face all battered 
up . and bandage around his leg.) 

J udge— Are you a married man ? 

Measles —No, sir. All these scratches and bruises 
came from getting over a barbed wire fence. My 
wife can do better than this. 

Officer —She must be a cuckoo, then. 

Measles —I was learning to play football and I 
was the quarterback. 

Officer —You look as if they’d broke your back. 

Judge —Take your place among the Jury. 

Doctor —Come over here. If I was your wife 
you’d come here on a stretcher. Sit down. Don’t 
talk back, or I’ll finish decorating your physigno- 
liominy. (Measles sits dozvn. Levi tries to sell 
him something. This bus. has to be done quietly 
to be effectively.) 

Judge—N ext juror. Hurry them in. 

Officer —This fellow calls himself Hooligan. I 
guess it’s him. Come in here, Hocligan. 


12 


MOCK TRIAL. 


{Enter Hooligan the: Tramp L. i E.) 

Hooligan —I’m always in the court house or in 
jail, so I’m at home in either place. 

Judge; —You’ve been summoned to be a juror. Da 
you know the nature of an oath ? 

Hooligan— I do. 

Judge: —Give me an example. 

Hooligan —Gee whiz. Darn it! 

Judge:—G o sit down among the jurors and keep 
your wits about you. 

Hooligan—I will if that bunch don’t try to steal 
’em from me. Where did you get the museum? 

Doctor —Come over here and sit down, or I’ll use 
this umbrella on your cranium. (Hooligan sits 
down. Levi about to sell him something.) 

Levi —No. He’s money’s no good. (Hooligan 
dozes off and is ready to snore at cue.) 

Judge—W ho is the next juror? 

Officer —A bum actor, your honor. Captured 
him trying to climb out of the hotel window. 

Judge —Call him to the bar! 

Officer—Footlight McGuff, come to the bar! 
(McGuff rushes in L. i E.) 

McGuFF —What welcome sound is this? Me to 
the bar? Aye, aye, I will. Give me a gin fizz and 
a Manhattan cocktail! 

Judge —Silence! You’re at the bar of justice. 

McGuFF —Grim despair seizes upon my soul. 
(Hooligan snores and whistles.) Ah ! What sound 
is that? The bloodhounds are upon my track. 
Where shall I hide? Ah! Yonder precipice is only 
five thousand feet high. I’ll jump from it and baffle 


MOCK TRIAL. 


13 


the enemy. ( Dashes toivard Jury; scatters them. 
Hooligan falls off his chair. Doctor strikes at 
actor with umbrella. Judge: rapping for “order” and 
shouting “Order! Order!” etc. Order is restored.) 

Doctor—S it clown, and the first monkey shine out 
of you, down you go! ( Actor sits down quietly as 
Doctor threatens him.) 

Judge: —Call next juror, quick. 

Officer—Sillicus Beeswax! Come in! 

(Enter Beeswax L. i B., the stuttering man. Soon 
as he is C. Jamison Jams goes into an eccentric fit, 
alarming everybody. The Jury shouts: “Hold him, 
hold him!”) 

Judge—Officer! Hold that man! 

Officer —Hold him yourself. He may have the 
hydrophobia! (Doctor drives Jam to his seat. Levi 
has sought safety up beside the Judge; now returns 
timidly to his seat, and everything is quieted, but all 
keep their eyes upon Jam, expecting another out¬ 
break.) 

Judge (to Sillicus)—W here do you reside? 

Sillicus —N-n-n-number f-f-f-f-orty-seven m-m- 
111 -m- 

Officer —Whistle it! Whistle it! 

Judge —Never mind where you live. What’s your 
occupation ? 

Sillicus —I t-t-t-t-teach 1-1-1-1-elocution ! (All 
laugh.) 

Judge —Go and sit down! 

McGuFF —Ah ! ah ! He teaches elocution. He’s 
stealing my business! Methinks there be seven 
Richmonds in the field. Lay on, McDuff! 



34 


MOCK TRIAL. 


Doctor ( approaches him) — I’ll lay it on to you 
good and thick if you don’t sit down! 

Officer —Rest of the Jury come in ! 

(Enter Muixigatawni, an Italian organ-grinder. 
If an organ cannot be obtained, make this character 
a fruit vender or chestnut roaster. He is followed 
in by Oed Aunty Simpson , a colored main my, with 
a wash basket. Both are quarreling and threaten 
to strike each other as they enter.) 

Aunty —Don’t talk to me, you dago foreigner.. 
I’se an American lady of African descent. 

Pedro —You no speak a me! You black a face 
monk! I takea de stillet and makea you da smoke 
beef. 

Aunty —You will, eh! Oh! J-es' let me get in 
my pocket and pull out my scissors. I’ll cut you up 
into macaroni. 

(Officer separates and quiets them. Forces 
them to go and sit among the Jury.) 

Officer —The Jury is all here, your honor; ten 
men, one woman, and a woman’s rights man—or 
man’s rights woman! 

Judge (raps) —Order in the court! The Jury^ 
is sworn to render a verdict according to the evi¬ 
dence. Do you swear ? 

Jury —Yes. 

Judge—T hen swear! 

Jury—G osh darn it! 

Judge—W e are now ready for the trial. 

Fussyboy —I represent the plaintiff. 

Snapcash— I appear for the defendant. 

Judge —Call the plaintiff. 



MOCK TRIAL. 


15 


Officer—Mrs. Leonora Smithers Trustly! 

{Enter Mrs. Smithers Trustly, the defendant , 
L. 1 E., very flashy in all details. Buxom and giddy. 
She is accompanied by a lady friend, an old maid, 
eccentric makeup. Lawyers and Officer bow to her 
and Jury arise and try to flirt with her. Judge raps 
for “order.”) 

Judge —No flirting in this court! 

(Mrs. Trustly sits on witness side of room fan¬ 
ning herself, and smirking at all the men. Officer 
tries to attract her attention, but catches the Judge's 
eye and wilts. Fussyboy goes to her and has silent 
consultation.) 

Snapcash —Your honor, my client is ready to 
proceed with the case when you are . 

Judge —Bring in the wretch who has trifled with 
the affections of that blooming bud and wrecked her 
trusting heart on the rocks of deceit. Call that 
trifler, Abijah Pippins. 

Officer—Abijah Pippins, you gay Lothario, 
come into court. 

(Abijah Pippins enters L. 1 E. upon crutches , 
apparently in the last stages of a human wreck. 
Bald, deaf, toothless and crippled. Officer wants 
to be rough with him, but allows him to sit near 
prisoners stand.) 

OFFICER —He thinks this is the cemetery. 

Judge —Is this Jury satisfactory? 

Fussyboy —It is to our side. 

Snap. —And satisfactory to us. 

Judge (to Jury) —You will render a verdict in 
the case of Mrs. Leonora Smithers Trustly ver- 


i6 


MOCK TRIAL. 


sus Abijah Pippins,, defendant, whom she charges 
with an attempt to kidnap her, and also for breach 
of promise. She sues for $5,000 damages for a 
broken heart and blighted affections. (Leonora 
begins to weep violently.) 

Fussyboy ( soothes her )—Compose yourself. 

(Aside.) Don’t cry yet. I’ll tell you when. (Ad¬ 
dresses Judge and Jury.) May it please your 
honor and gentlemen of the Jury, also ladies in it, 
I present my case to you. This plaintiff, Mrs. 
Leonora Smithers Trustey, has been most griev¬ 
ously dealt with by a reckless villain, who won her 
heart, then trampled upon it as you would a bug. 
This was all done with malice intent and with a de¬ 
liberate brazenness and in a cold blooded, insinuat¬ 
ing manner, as if young and trusting hearts were 
but playthings, to be broken and cast aside. Here 
sits this poor, suffering, heart broken bud! Torn 
from the bush of loveliness by a vandal, a serpent in 
the Garden of Eden—a robber of innocent hearts 
and guileless affections such as possessed by this 
shrinking, crushed and blighted lily. (Aside.) Weep 
—sob. (Leonora weeps and sobs, which lead up 
to hysterics. Jury rise, and all want to go to her 
assistance. Doctor beats them back.) 

McGufe —My life, my love! Juliet, I come to 
thee. (Doctor pulls him back into his seat.) 

Doctor —Sit down and act like a human man. 

(Leonora recovers, powders her face with puff, 
gets bottle from handbag and smells it. Officer 
manages to get the bottle and gets a drink from it. 
Appears delighted.) 




MOCK TRIAL. 


17 


Officer —It's gin! ( About to drink again. Jury 
are on their feet clamoring for the bottle, when 
Leonora seizes it from Officer's hand and replaces 
it in bag.) Sit down, Jury, the saloon's closed. 

Fussyboy—Mrs. Leonora Sm ethers Trustey, 
take the stand. 

Leonora —Oh, dear! I’m so nervous. I’m sure 
my nose is red from weeping so much. ( Enters 
■witness stand.) 

Judge —The evidence you will give in this case 
will be the truth, or as much of it as you can tell ? 

Leonora —Yes, sir! ( Begins to cry again. Fus¬ 
syboy soothes her.) 

Judge —What is your name? 

Leonora—Mrs. Leonora Smithers Trustly. 

Judge —You are a widow? 

Leonora —Yes, Judge. 

Judge —Is your husband dead? 

Leonora —Certainly my husband’s dead. 

Judge —Why, of course he is if he’s dead! What 
is your age, madam? 

Leonora ( hesitates) —About twenty-three! (Jur¬ 
ors laugh. Officer laughs louder. Doctor screams 
with joy. Judge raps for order.) ' 

Judge —Silence! She said about twenty-three. 

Fussyboy —Tell your simple story of wrong and 
suffering to the Jury. Tell them how you were 
kidnapped and the breach of promise inflicted by 
that heartless wretch seated there! 

Leonora:— I’ll try, but—but—but - 

Officer ( to Jury) —Don’t butt in anybody. 

Leonora —I’m so nervous. I’m all unstrung. 



i8 


MOCK TRIAL. 


(Begins to weep again. Fussyboy soothes her 
ad lib.) 

(At this point Pippins begins to cough violently.) 

Fussyboy —Listen to him, your honor. The old 
reprobate is chuckling to himself! (To Leonora.) 
Go on with your heartrending story. 

Leonora —It was at a birthday party that I first 
met that gay deceiver over there. He danced in 
every set with me, and wouldn’t allow any other 
gentleman to ask me. After that he was constantly 
at my side, and we went to supper together. 

McGuEE (rises) —And what did you have for sup¬ 
per? Ye gods and little fishes, but my stomach 
hungereth for provisions. 

Jury —Sit down and shut up! 

Judge —Another such interruption and it will be 
contempt of court. 

Doctor —I assure you that I have the utmost con¬ 
tempt for this court. 

Levi —Collar buttons! Shoe laces, neckties. Plere’s 
a bargain! 

Judge (raps) —Silence! Officer, arrest the next 
unruly person! (To Leonora.) Proceed, gentle 
creature. 

Leonora —After supper he insisted on seeing me 
home—and (giggles) as it was a lonesome journey 
I allowed him to. He stood at our front door a long 
time. I thought he’d never go! Well, he asked 
me to call again some night, and he called seven 
times that week. (Powders her-face with puff.) 
One night he told me he felt awfully lonesome and 


MOCK TRIAL. 


19 


wanted 'some one to cheer his life. He wanted a 
sunbeam to illumine his path through life. 

McGuee (rises) —Let him walk on railroad tracks 
the same as I do. (Sits.) 

Leonora— Well, your honor, he begged so hard 
for me to be his sunbeam that I consented to be his 
radiator! He fell on his knees and said he’d kill 
himself if I refused him, and I didn’t want to be an 
accessory to a murder. Still, I wanted some time 
to think it over. I’ve had one husband, and I know 
something about the deceitful creatures. But Mr. 
Pippins seemed to be in a hurry, and I didn’t want 
him to die in our house. I told him I couldn’t jump 
at a chance as quickly as others might. That I was 
a sensible woman, and appreciated the fact that he 
had a big bank account and his life insured. Yet—- 
he might outlive me. (Sobs and powders face.) 
He said that he always proposed to his wives in a 
hurry, and said he couldn’t wait! He didn’t want 
to break up his methods. He offered me his hand 
and heart right there and then, and I accepted, with 
a proviso. That he was to wait four weeks to see 
if he really would get over the consumption. But no f 
He would not wait. He seized me in his arms and 
carried me—kidnapped me from my own home. 
(Groans from the Jury. Doctor rises, looks at 
Pippins and then at Leonora.) 

Doctor —It’s a good thing you’re under oath. 
(Takes seat.) 

Judge —He actually carried you away? Kid¬ 
napped you ? 


MOCK TRIAL. 


20 


Leanora Yes, your honor! I screamed and 
kicked and tried to escape, but he is a giant in 
strength, and a very determined man. (Pippins 
coughs violently.') He carried me about four miles. 
(Jury groans. Officer wants to strike Pippins.) 
He carried me to a particular minister who, he said, 
had done all of his matrimonial business before. 
"When we arrived there the minister was not at home, 
so we had to walk back. 

Judge —Walk back! Didn’t he carry you back? 

Leonora —No, your honor! He said he was tired 
•carrying me four miles. He bade me good night at 
my own door, and he went away. That is the last 
I ever saw of him. I waited for him to come and 
kidnap me the next night, but he didn’t. ( Begins 
to weep.) And I had a new dress all made up with 
niching down the side, fluted and flared and trimmed 
with real point lace and jet ornaments. The waist 
was of black silk, baggy sleeves a la Louis the Four¬ 
teenth, and my hair was dressed with five rolls and 
waves. My veil was a dream, with sprigs of orange 
blossoms. I tell you, I was a dream, if I do say it 
myself, and I would have had all the women green 
with envy, but he disappointed me, and broke my 
heart. ( Weeps violently , and it starts the Jury, 
Judge, Officer and lawyers into sobs and tears.) 

Fussyboy —Your honor and gentlemen of the 
Jury and ladies! This is the most heartless case of 
’“throw down” it has ever been my fate to hear of 
or be interested in. There is no money on earth 
that can heal a bruised heart. We seek some balm 
for this shattered heart. $5,000! A mere bagatelle. 


MOCK TRIAL. 


21 


That would not heal half of my client’s torn and 
trampled upon heart. Still, we’ll take it. Take it 
as a lesson to gay, heartless Lotharios like that mon¬ 
ster seated chuckling there over his cruel work.. 
Oh! your honor, and gentlemen and ladies of the 
Jury (points to plaintiff ), look upon that frail and 
withering form, made so by the base promises of that 
creature resembling a man! I ask you to shed tears, 
if you have any to shed, for my client. She has told 
you the solemn truth in all its harrowing details, and 
to further substantiate the truth spoken by her, I 
call to the witness stand Amelia Be;delia Arrow- 
root. (Amelia, the lady friend of the plaintiff, 
conies to the stand.) She will corroborate all the 
details as reluctantly given by the crushed lily—my 
client. 

Judge: —Do you understand the nature of an oath? 

Amelia —I’ve heard my father use them. 

(Snap arises .) 

Snap.— Your honor, and gentlemen and ladies of 
the Jury, I represent the much maligned person, 
Abijah Pippins, my client. First, I will cross- 
examine the witness. Do you know the defendant? 

Amelia— No. sir. 

Snap.—D o you know the plaintiff? 

Amelia—Y es, sir. 

Snap.— Do you know any of the' details leading 
up to this most infamous attempt at blackmail, coer¬ 
cion and villification? 

Amelia —No, sir. 

Snap. —Has the plaintiff ever told you of the 
prospects she would have in case she sued said de- 


22 


MOCK TRIAL. 


fendant in this court of appellate jurisdiction and 
legal acumen? 

Amelia —Yes, sir. 

Snap. —Did you behold said act of forcible kid¬ 
napping coming under the head of habeas corpus, 
section 2, page 45, State laws of jurisprudence, Lit¬ 
tleton or Coke? 

Amelia —No, sir. 

Snap. —Then it is obvious to the court and intelli¬ 
gent Jury that the claim of abduction nolens volens, 
fiat Justicia; ruat coellum, is not part nor parcel of 
being an accessory on your part. 

Amelia —Yes, sir. 

Snap. —Nor could the actual occurrence have 
taken place homicidal or technical, with malice or 
forethought, create a desire for his perpetual in¬ 
carceration ? 

Amelia— No, sir. 

Snap. —That is all. (Witness steps down.) Now, 
your honor, and ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, 
the most important witness for the plaintiff has been 
upon the stand, and what does she know? Yes, sir! 
No, sir! Is this evidence in a court of law? A 
child could have fathomed my legal phrases and 
meaning. Oh! your honor, and—I came near for¬ 
getting the ladies and gentlemen of that intelligent 
and very select Jury! I want you.to look at my 
client, Abijah Pippins ! He is actually tottering tg 
his grave, and how could he kidnap a big, overgrown 
woman, weighing almost two hundred pounds. 
(Leonora shrieks and weeps.) That my client, 
who cannot move about without the aid of his 


MOCK TRIAL. 


23 


crutches, could kidnap and carry off a lady who has 
had a few husbands, is most preposterous! If my 
client carried her off in his arms, who carried him ? 
Who carried his crutches ? I say it is a base fabri¬ 
cation, a troubled dream, a hallucination created by 
late suppers or home made mince pies. My client 
has done well by this town. Four of his wives are 
buried' here. He has patronized your doctors and 
undertakers. He is a public spirited man, and wants 
to see progress in his own town. That’s why all his 
wives were selected from this town. He is in favor 
of home industries! Oh, your honor, and ladies and 
gentlemen of the Jury, look at my client. The 
learned legal brother who is trying to get $5,000 out 
of him as balm for a bruised heart accused him of 
chuckling. (Pippins coughs.) Does that sound 
like chuckling! Oh, again I say to you, this is a 
base conspiracy. The idea of my client kidnapping 
that woman ! Why, it would take two piano movers 
to kidnap her. I place my case in your hands. Look 
at the evidence on both sides. Look at the healthy 
countenance of the plaintiff. The dying expression 
on my client’s face. The look of anticipation on the 
opposing counsel, and upon the truthful and confid¬ 
ing look upon my own features. I rely on your 
sound judgment, and feel sure that the conspirators 
and blackmailers will fail in their plot to extort 
money from Abijah Pippins. I will attend to that 
end of it myself. (Sits down and fans himself.) 

McGuTP — I rise to demand punishment on the 
base caitiff. Here I stand solid as a rock. 


24 


MOCK TRIAL,. 


Doctor —Sit down, or I’ll rock you to sleep I 
(Strikes him.) 

Judged —Gentlemen and ladies of the Jury, you 
have heard the evidence on both sides. If you give 
a verdict for the plaintiff, let it be balm enough to 
go all over her heart and heal it. If you find a ver¬ 
dict of acquittal on the charge of kidnapping and 
breach of promise for the defendant, so let it be 
known. Silence in the court while the Jury con¬ 
fers. (Jury confers. Leonora weeps. Levi 
shouts his wares. Then Judge raps for order . 
Doctor rises.) 

Doctor —We have agreed upon a verdict. That 
is— I have agreed on it—and I made the rest agree 
to it also. 

Judge What is your verdict? 

Doctor. That the plaintiff in claiming that the 
defendant kidnapped her did not prove her claim, 
but the verdict is that she kidnaps Abijah Pippins. 
He belongs to her. 

Leonora —Give me room. I’ll have him ! 

(Bus. In a moment all is confusion. Leonora 
dashes after Pippins, who runs to the Judge for pro - 
tection. The Judge pushes him doivn into Leo¬ 
nora's arms. She takes his crutches from him and 
leads him down centre in triumph.) 

Leonora —I’ve got him at last! 

Chord —This is the cue for chorus by all charac¬ 
ters , zvho sing refrain of (< Goodby, Little Girl> 
GoodbyeOn this animated group. 


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Che Crest 

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Good Cork is healthful for the skin, while the other is very 
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We make only the best that is used by the most prom¬ 
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the satisfaction obtained is worth three times the money. 

The Crest brand is especially prepared from the best 
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“The Witmark Gag and Joke Book.” 

A large and varied collection of 
FRANK DUMONT’S Up=to=Date End Gags, 
Jokes, Cross=fires, Conundrums, 

Funny Sayings, Short Stories, Etc, 

most of which have been used with success by prominent profession¬ 
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92 PAGES OF HUMOR. 

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iUitmark Stage Publications 


“PHUNNY PUNS.” 

The Latest Book of 

^ TalKs, JoKes, Gags, Etc* ^ 

By FRANK DUMONT. 

Suitable for all specialists. A tried collection of short stories in- 
cludiug (by request) two up-to-date, spicy monologues. 

The Essence of Wit.— Phunny Puns is a sequel to the Gag and 
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with just the material needed and sought for by the 44 always some¬ 
thing new ” entertainer. 

Price, 50 Cents. 


EDITION DE LUXE 

(Illustrated by Keller.) 

“CASEY AT THE BAT.” 

The recitation made famous by that well-known comedian, 
DE WOLF HOPPER. 

No matter what role Mr. Hopper is playing or in what part of the 
country he is, his audience always calls for 41 CASEY. * 

The universal demand for an edition exactly as recited by Mr. 
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Price, 25 Cents, Postpaid. 


“AUTOMOBILE. CRAZY.” 

Burlesque in One Scene. 

By FRANK DUflONT. 

7 MALES—1 FEMALE. 

A successful, up-to-date Burlesque, which calls for vigorous action 
all around. It is always received with tumultuous applau&e. 

Price. 25 Cents. 


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<‘THE, CRUSHED ACTOR; OR, 
YOU CAN’T KILL HIM.” 

A Screamingly Funny Interlude, 

Arranged by FRANK DUMONT. 

• CAST. 

Mr. Golddust Gotrox. 

Lucy Gotrocks. 

Footlight Barnstormer, a reduced actor. 
Chrisfield Moke, a crab and fish vender. 

A most excellent comedy sketch for two comedians, one so\5brette 
and one leading man. 

Price, 25 Cents. 


“JOINING THE, LODGE.” 

A Burlesque Initiation Scene. 

By FRANK DUMONT. 

S Males. 

Members of the Order, Initiators, Guides and Degree Givers. 

A most excellent and laughable sketch, showing how a new mem¬ 
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Adapted to any order—Elks, Eagles. Shriners, Masons, Veiled 
Prophets, Red Men, K. of P., K. of C., College Fraternities, etc. 

Price, 25 Cents. 


“A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS,” 

O R. 

PERPETUAL MOTION* 

Sketch for 6 Males 

By FRANK DUMONT. 

A laughable experience in a sanitarium of “eccentric” inventors* 
Contains an excellent low comedy part. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 


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A choice and varied 
collection of Hebrew 
and other dialect 
stories, sayings, reci¬ 
tations, etc., selected 
from 10,000 prize dia¬ 
monds of humor and 
jest. 

A Jewel Case 

of 94 Pages. 

Funny and clever 
bits for monologues. __ 

Especially fine vari¬ 
ety of fill-ins for min¬ 
strel end. 

Contains the famous 
Hebrew Dictionary. 


RARELY PUBLISHED 

Hebrew Jargon stories 
in broken German are 
also to be found in this 
collection. 

Dialecticians, Enter- 
tainers, Humorists, 

Monologuists and 
Readers will find this 
book with its wealth 
of Humor and Wit a 
most desirable and 
valuable addition to 
their repertoire. 

TRAVELING MEN 

—This is a good 
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you. 

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“THE MANHATTAN CLUB.” 

A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Male Quartette- 

Introducing the Song “ BILL OF FARE.” 

By J. BODEWALT LAMPE. 

A refined sketch for Male characters. Clean, bright and novel, 
ust the thing for a singing comedy four. Humorous dialogue in which 
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A Favorite with Readers and Recitationists. 

Jim Marshall's New Piaimer 

And Other Western Stories • 



By the Late 

William Deyere, 

“Tramp Poet of the West.** 
* * 4 

With Illustrations by 

DOLPH LEVINO & 
J. MORNINGSTAR. 

rJ* 

Specially adapted for 

Public Reading. 


CONTENTS. 


Charity, Justice, Brotherly Love 
and Fidelity. [Elk’s Poem]. 
You’re Jest Like Yer Mother, 
Manay. 

Black Hills Sermon [A]. 

’Ceptin’ Ike. 

Give the Devil His Due. 

Higgins. 

His Letter. 

Jim Marshall’s New Pianner. 
Kinder Susp’shus. 

Oofty Gooft’s Methuselahism. 
Queen of Hearts [The], 

Spokane. 

Two Little Busted Shoes. 


Tragedy [A]. 

Waik. 

B. P. O. E. [Elk's Poem]. 
Case Equal [A]. 

Hey, Rube. 

He Can—Like Kelly Can. 
Horse Philosophy. 

Jeff and Joe. 

No Opening—Write Again. 
Parson’s Box [The]. 

Roger. 

That Queen. 

Ten Mile or Bust. 

That Beautiful Snow. 

What T ell. 


The Book of a People. A Book for the People. 

AN ACQUISITION TO ANY LIBRARY. 

Price, $1.00. Sent postpaid on receipt of price. 


“Doctor Low-Rents (Lorentz) Surgery,’* 

Or THE. CO-K.E=IN TWINS. 

Farce by FRANK DUMONT. 

4 MALE CHARACTERS. 

An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white or black face. | 

Price, 25 Cents. 

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UJitmark Stage Publications 


An absolute novelty for female entertainers. Nothing like it published 

“BABY TALK” 

A Juvenile Monologue for “Grown-ups ” ! By FRANK DUMONT. 

A laughable monologue for lady minstrels, high school entertain¬ 
ments and female character specialties, in which can be introduced 
TWO VERY CLEVER JUVENILE .SONGS, 

'* WHAT’S THE GOOD OF THAT, HUH?” 

As sung by Lydia Yeamans Titus of international fame for baby 
specialties, and 

"WHO’LL BUY MY DOLLY?" [Pathetic] 

As sung by Leila McIntyre in “Mother Goose,” who also makes a 
specialty of baby impersonations. 


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HUMOROUS BURLESQUES AND TRAVESTIES 
ON FAMOUS SHAKESPERIAN PLAYS. 

By PRANK DUMONT. 

"OTHELLO." [O=thello and Dar’s--De=Money.] 
"HAMLET." [Ham=om=let. Prince of Dunkirk.] 
"ROMEO €) JULIET." IRoamyhe = owe and Julie-ate' 
"JULIUS CAESAR." [Julius Sneezer-the-Snoozer.] 
"MERCHANT OF VENlC .” 

[Skylark, or The Merchant of Ven = is=it.] 
"RICHARD III." [Richard the Three Times.] 

Published to meet the great demand for burlesques on these 
famous works. Can be played [by male comedians] in white or black 
face. 

Price, 50 Cents Bach. 


POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 


M. W1TMARK & SONS 

NEW YORK CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON 
















m 2T 1905 


















